Monty Python's Flying Circus

This is the "sketches" page, on which you will find "sketches." Most of the "sketches" found here were originally written for the television program Monty Python's Flying Circus. (Look further down this page for "sketches" only performed on record albums, CDs, and/or live stage shows, and look even further down for some unusual Python rarities, including the script from one of the German MPFC episodes.)

Many of the "sketches" are also found on the first couple of Monty Python record albums (Another Monty Python Record and Monty Python's Previous Record), and some of them made their way into the film And Now for Something Completely Different..., which was a compendium of some of the best "sketches" from MPFC. Some were, of course, performed live and recorded on the record albums Monty Python Live from Drury Lane, Monty Python Live at City Center, Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (also a film) and Monty Python Live from the Bowels of Hell (unrecorded and unreleased from an unperformed performance).

"We'll sort them all out, and make a little list!"

First, here are some "lists." For trivia buffs and truly anal pythonologists like myself, you can check out a "list" of the original airdates of the MPFC TV series. There is also a synopsis of the contents of all the episodes of the show, in order (well, in some order... thus making it a "list"). The cathouse archives also has the table of contents (which is also a kind of "list") for the set of books known in the U.S. as All the Words, the complete scripts of the Monty Python's Flying Circus shows. If you want a "list" of all of these "lists" you can...

We would like to apologize for the previous introduction. It started out all right but rapidly became silly. Silliest of all was the author's insistence on "quoting" a word every time it appeared in the text, as if "quoting" such words gave them special significance over and above other words that were not subjected to such "quoting" in quite the same... We would like to apologize for the previous apology. But we won't. We would, however, like you to continue reading this page, so in just a few seconds, we're going to get on with our "list" of "sketches". Here it comes... right... now!

(This list was sorted, pared down, and otherwise mangled on December 29, 1995.
The ratings are mine and mine alone.)

Sketches from Monty Python's Flying Circus

Albatross: transcribed from the "Live at City Center" album
Argument Clinic: transcribed from "Monty Python's Previous Record"
The Architect Sketch: "Rotating knives, yes."
Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson: An interview with the famous composer who only has one shed, but...
Barber Shop Sketch: Perhaps best known for preceding the Lumberjack song
Bicycle Repair Man: "Whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by international communism..."
Blackmail game show: "Stop us from revealing the name of your lover in Boulton..."
The Bruces (University of Woolamaloo Philosophy Dept.): "There is no... Rule #6!"
Buying a Bed: "But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'."
The Cheeseshop Sketch: "What a senseless waste of human life..."
Crunchy Frog (Whizzo Chocolates): "If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy!"
The Cycling Tour: The complete story of Mr. Pither and his adventures with his bicycle
Dead Bishop on the Landing: "Strawberry tart?"; "... Well, it's got some rat in it..."
Dennis Moore: "Hand over your lupens!"
Election Sketch: The Silly Party vs. the Sensible Party
Fish License: Includes the "Eric the Half-Bee" song
Flying Sheep: "One thing's for sure, a sheep is not a creature of the air."; (1st sketch from the 1st MPFC episode ever broadcast)
The Hair Dressers on Mt Everest: "The mountain with the biggest tits in the world..."; "START AGAIN!"
The Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch: "Please fondle my buttocks."
How to Defend Yourself Against Fresh Fruit: "What if he has a point-ted stick?"
Interview with Sir Edward Ross: "Eddie, baby..."
Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-splenden...: ... ... ... ... ... auf Ulm
The Lifeboat Sketch: "Still no sign of land. How long is it?"; "That's a rather personal question, sir."
The Man Who Speaks in Anagrams: "A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe!"
A Man with Three Buttocks: "Mr Frampton, would you take your trousers down."
Me, Doctor, you, nurse...: "My wife, doctor..."; "No, your wife patient."
Miss Anne Elk: And her theory <AHEM!> about the brontosaurus
The Money Programme: Includes the associated Money Programme song
Mr. Hilter and the North Minehead Bye-Election: "Nein! No! Not head of Gestapo at all! I make joke..."
Mr. Smoke Too Much complains about package tours: "... and you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer; from Luton with an Instamatic camera and Dr. Scholl; sandals and last Tuesday's Daily Express and he drones on; and on about how Mr. Smith should be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and then he throws up over the Cuba Libres... ..."
Mrs. Premise & Mrs. Conclusion: "Huge flocks of evil-smelling soiled budgies flying out; of people's lavatories and infringing their personal freedoms..."
The News for Parrots: "No parrots were involved."
Norman St. John Polevaulter contradicts people: "Oh, I see, I'll start again."; "No, you won't!"
Nudge Nudge, Know What I Mean?: "Say no more!" <wink, wink>
The Penguin on top of the Tellyvision set: "There, I've run rings 'round you logically!"
The Pet Shoppe Sketch: "It's not pinin', it's passed on!"
The Pet Shoppe Sketch (revisited): As adapted for live performance by nailing it to a piece of wood
Pilot Banter: "Cabbage crates coming over the briny???"
The Piranha Brothers: "What's more, he knew how to treat a female impersonator!"
The Spam Sketch: An homage to canned meats
The Spanish Inquisition: "She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang, fetch... the comfy chair!"
Spot the Brain Cell: "I'd like the blow on the head"
Theatre Critic Gavin Millarrrrr: "But where is the ambiguity? Over there in a box."
The Trial Scene: "I'm sorry I'm late, m'lud, I couldn't find a kosher car park."
The Undertaker Sketch: "... which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead... but quick."
The Woody Sketch: "There's a funny thing, dear -- all the naughty words sound woody."; "Really, dear -- how about 'tit'?"

Sketches from Record Albums & Live Performances

Monty Python's Previous Record

Australian Table Wines: "This is not a wine for drinking -- this is a wine for laying down and avoiding."
Stake Your Claims: A man who claims to have written all of Shakespeare's works

Matching Tie & Handkerchief

Elephantoplasty: "And what was Mr. Humphries' reaction to the transplant of the elephant's organs?"
Great Actors by Alan Semen: "I don't want you to get the impression it's just a; question of the number of words... I mean, getting; them in the right order is just as important."
Ralph Melish: "The human brain is like an enormous fish.; It's flat and slimy, and has gills through which it can see."
Word Association Football: "This is a technique out a living much used in; the practice makes perfect of psychoanalysister; and brother and one that has occupied piper the majority rule of my attention squad by the right number one two three four the last five years to the memory.

Contractual Obligation Album

The Bookshop Sketch: "That's 'Rarnaby Budge' by Charles Dikkens... with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author."
The Church Bells and the Agnostic: "There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really; doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not."
Rock Notes: Where the band Toad the Wet Sprocket got its name

Live performances

Four Yorkshiremen Sketch: "We were so poor..."; available on both the City Center and Drury Lane live albums
Michelangelo's Last Supper: Originally performed at the "Pleasure at Her Majesty's" benefit that preceded the Secret; Policeman's Balls, later performed live by Python at the Hollywood Bowl

Other Things

The Airline Pilots Sketch: from John Cleese's pre-Python "How to Irritate People"
Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus: One of two episodes (the one that was in English) written and performed for German television.; Includes panning for chickens, the philosophers' soccer match,; and the original "King Otto of Happy Valley" sketch
Logician's response to the Witch Scene: (from "Monty Python & the Holy Grail" trailer soundtrack album); This is perhaps my single favorite obscure Python gem of all time!

Textual content and layout of these pages © 1996 Sensorium Consulting. All rights to the images on these pages are held by Python Productions Ltd. and/or Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd. These images are reproduced here only as pointers to Internet resources pertaining to the work of the members of Monty Python.